Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dan Shaughnessy is an idiot. Let me tell you why.

Dan Shaugnessy wrote a stupid column.

I am a Heat hater.

Miami’s basketball team can’t lose enough games to make me happy. When I pass under a television in a crowded airport and see the score crawl, if the Heat are losing, I crack a big smile. I hope they lose ’em all.

The Celtics are in Miami tonight to play the third-place Heat.

The third-place Heat. Don’t you love it? I want them to be the Miami Clown Machine.


"Miami Clown Machine"? Where is he getting these jokes, Jay Leno's trash can?

Remember the preening and the fog machines and the hideous chest-thumping at American Airlines Arena after LeBron James told us he was taking his talents to South Beach? That was the night he said he was planning on bringing multiple championships to Miami — “not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven . . .’’ It was disgusting. How about winning one before you talk about seven?

Every single player in NBA history says he wants to win championships when he joins his new team. It's not like you're banned from saying the word "championship" unless you've won one. Jeez.

When LeBron and Chris Bosh joined Dwyane Wade, those blinded by the lights were quick to anoint the 2010-11 Heat as the NBA’s best-ever team. What rubbish.

Please show me one example where a single sports columnist or analyst said the 2010-11 team were the NBA's "best-ever team." Just one. Seriously. A lot of people said they had a chance to be very good, seeing as how they had just combined the talents of three still-young players who had 17 All-Star appearances among them; nobody said they were the "best-ever team."

Any way you cut it, the Heat are overrated. Take a long look at Bosh, for starters. How in the name of Elgin Baylor did Bosh get lumped in with James and Wade? He simply doesn’t belong. He has been a big numbers guy with a bad team. Now he is the answer to the question, “What’s wrong with this picture?’’

Bosh may not be quite as spectacular as Wade, who has won a championship, and James, who is a two-time MVP, but it's not like he's Jack Haley, either; he's a five-time All-Star (to James' and Wade's six). Hilarious note: a few years ago, Shaughnessy's beloved Boston Celtics acquired Kevin Garnett from the Timberwolves, and Garnett immediately helped lead them to a championship. I don't remember anyone in Boston complaining that he had just put up big numbers with a bad team. In fact:

Chris Bosh, first seven seasons: 20.3 points, 9.3 rebounds per game. Five All-Star appearances. Two playoff appearances. (Never got out of first round)

Kevin Garnett, first seven seasons: 18.9 points, 9.9 rebounds per game. Four All-Star appearances. Six playoff appearances. (Never got out of first round)

So by Shaughnessy's logic, Boston should have turned down the Garnett trade because he was a big loser. I guess Celtic fans are lucky he's not the GM.

Wade is leading the Heat with 26 points per game. LeBron is averaging a healthy 20.6 and had a triple-double against Utah Tuesday. Incredibly, he snatched his first offensive rebound of the season in Game 8. I am not kidding. The King has two offensive rebounds this year. Next time he asks, “What should I do?’’ let’s all stand up and say, “Follow your shot one time!’’ Moses Malone he is not.

Moses Malone was a center, a position generally expected to grab rebounds. LeBron James is a small forward, a position generally expected to play on the wing. Judging James against Malone would be as logical as judging him against Spud Webb.

And, incidentally, Moses Malone, first seven seasons: 18.5 points, 13.9 rebounds, 1.2 assists per game. One MVP award, two All-Star appearances.
LeBron James, first seven seasons: 27.8 points, 6 rebounds, 7 assists per game. Two MVP awards, six All-Star Appearances. BUT HE CAN'T REBOUND LIKE MOSES DID IN THE OLDEN DAYS!! *Finishes column on old-timey typewriter, puts on fedora, catches trolley home for a nickel.*