Sunday, January 18, 2009

Don't Quit Your Day Job ... Whatever That Is

There's an opinion piece on cnn.com right now by Republican Congressman Eric Cantor. The piece points out some of the risks that come with the stimulus bill being pushed by President-Elect Obama.

If you think I'm going to do a nuanced breakdown of the economic misconceptions behind that piece, you, sir or madam, have vastly underestimated my laziness, because I'm going to do no such thing.

I am, however, going to mock Representative Cantor for the most confused simile I have had the misfortune of reading. Check it out:

Like bears sniffing out food at a campfire pit, those looking for a piece of the multi-billion dollar pie have flooded Washington with a cascade of requests

A few points on this stitched-together Frankenstein of a sentence:

1) Now, I'm no expert on bears. However, I'm certain that bears are incapable of flooding Washington with requests. First of all, they're bears; they can't speak. Secondly, even if they could speak, how would they dial a phone? The buttons are much too tiny for their massive paws. See? It's just ludicrous.

2) Please note the confusing swerve that takes place when the bears, which were established as the actors in the first clause of the sentence, suddenly begin flooding in the second. Representative Cantor, I cannot keep up with your literary pyrotechnics, sir! Bills, pies, bears, cascades ... I've forgotten what you were writing about, but for some reason I am hungry and want to go camping in the mountains.

Other than that, nice sentence.